living obsessions dot net

I thought about it and felt like I should post this here, too.

Listening to this song makes me think about stuff. It’s like my life word for word.

Hands touch
Eyes meet
Sudden silence
Sudden heat
Hearts leap
In a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I’m not that girl

How often does that happen to me? I mean, every time I meet a guy, there’s always something that makes him unattainable. Whether he’s gay, has a girlfriend, whatever. It really is depressing. Maybe that’s why this song gets to me so much. I didn’t realize the similarities to my life until just now.

That’s the girl he chose
And heaven knows
I’m not that girl

Yeah, I’m listening to it while writing this. And that part just got to me. Like, seriously. Why is it that I completely repel members of the opposite sex?

Don’t wish
Don’t start
Wishing only wounds the heart

I’m about to cry.

There’s a girl I know
He loves her so
I’m not that girl

Well, at least it’s over. I guess.

Why can’t I get that fairy tale ending? Just once. I wish that at least one guy would take a genuine interest in me. And although it may seem like someone does sometimes, it always ends up he’s fucking with my head or something. Especially in the situation I’ve put myself in now. I have no way of knowing how sincere this guy is. I mean for all I know, he could be laughing his ass off at me with every single thing I say.

I know it’s probably just my insecurities talking, but who really knows? I mean, I know that lots of guys are assholes. And usually the ones I end up liking are more asshole-ish than the rest. God, sometimes I just wish that I could be one of those beautiful girls who has tons of confidence and absolutely no trouble talking to guys.. or people in general. But I guess if I was one of those girls, I don’t think I’d be that happy. I’d always wonder if guys liked me because I looked good, or if it was actually for me. I don’t know if I’m a person who could deal with that. But sometimes I just don’t give a shit, you know?

All I’ve ever really wanted my entire life is just to be accepted. It doesn’t matter who does the accepting really. People who don’t find me completely intolerable.. I seem to flock to those people. Because they help my low confidence somehow. But even those people seem to be rare. Almost everyone I’ve ever known.. I’ve been that person they could use to have a good laugh. And not because I’m trying to be funny. Because apparently it’s fun to laugh at me.

Well isn’t this just dandy? I started off depressed over a song, and now it’s even worse. I just wish I could be the kind of person that I want to be. I hate how I am. I hate my insercurities. I hate that I can’t have confidence in myself no matter what I do. I hate that I can’t meet people without feeling like they’re laughing at me.. on the inside if nothing else. But no matter how hard I try, it doesn’t work. I can’t find any way to be how I want to be. There’s just too many things that I want to change about myself. And it’ll never work.

Maybe it’s because I’m really uncomfortable with change. Maybe it’s because it’s because I spent three years living in horrible conditions where all that ever happened was manipulation and mind games that made me feel like crap about myself. Because honestly, before that I never had problems. I was confident in myself, I could actually talk to people.

Thanks a lot, assholes. You’ve turned me against the world. Or at least made me feel like the world’s against me. Everyone who’s ever made me feel like crap, thanks a lot. See what I do to myself because of you? People need to learn to be more accepting. And not treat people like they’re a game. And not take total advantage of them. Especially your own family. I’m just really glad I’m away from that now. Back at home with my mom and dad. Where I actually feel loved.

I spent three years without that, and I cried myself to sleep countless times. Because of how my own family treated me. The people who told me, “You’re just like our own daughter.” Do they treat their daughter how they treated me? No. And they never will. They actually care about her. And even if they do care about me, they sure as hell didn’t act like it.

Damnit. Now I’ve really depressed myself. I’m crying over this shit. Fuck.. I’ve got to stop doing shit like this to myself. That’s what I do. I keep everything bottled up, and then it just all comes out. And I can’t help it. I try not to, but it comes out. Maybe I should just let stuff out when it first happens. Maybe then I won’t feel like shit all the time.

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